Timpani and Bennie

August 4th, 2020

There’s just something about going super early in the morning or very late at night doing peaks. Fortunately I did super early in the morning for both. It was the two peaks I wanted to experience both with Elizabeth. Granted I didn’t get that, when I did them, it gave me a ton of time to think. It put alot in perspective. It brought a ton of emotions, especially when I did Bennie. The first time that I got to do it and attempt it we didn’t go all the way to the peak, we went to the saddle and then went back down. When I made it to the top, all this emotion flooded through my veins. It didn’t feel normal.. didn’t feel right. My other half was missing.. I immediately broke down. And when I cry, I try to suppress it. I hate crying. Makes me feel weak. I had to move a bit further down towards the edge because I didn’t want the other people to hear me bawling my eyes out. I stayed up there for almost an hour until I could calm myself down before I headed back down so I could see straight. My eyes hurt bad and was super puffy. I looked like one of those doll toy things that you squeeze and its eyes come out of it’s sockets. Didn’t cry that hard or long since the breakup. I really enjoyed the view of Bennie, definitely breathtaking. Definitely a peak I’ll do again next year. It gives you a different perspective of life. Bennie tho, I knew before I started that I was going to have some kind of emotional breakdown, it just held alot of special significance. How bad it was gonna be? Didn’t expect that.

We did Malan’s Peak together, but wasn’t a “peak peak” like Bennie was. So I decided to do it anyways because I just needed to prove to myself I was strong enough to work through those feelings. The only way out is through, even if it’s super fucking painful.

I posted some pictures on my Instagram and public page of my Snapchat if you’re subscribed to it, same when I did Timpani (not on Instagram since I’ve been off social media since beginning of July).

Timpani on the other hand, I didn’t have really any emotional attachment to that one. Elizabeth had did it before Covid was a thing and since we wanted to do all the peaks together it was on our list of things to do and accomplish together. I wasn’t going to actually do it until next year because it’s the tallest peak in Utah with the glasshouse sitting at about 11.2k feet elevation. So I was gonna take time to train and build up my endurance to do it. But I had already did Bennie like a month and a half prior and the elevation difference wasn’t too much plus I had been using my new elevation mask for about a month, plus with the distance I went doing Bennie, I could sure as hell endure a bit harder to do Timpani. So three weeks before my birthday I told myself I was gonna do it. I went hard at the gym when I could. Alot of work stuff got in the way between all of it, but the day of my birthday I told myself I was gonna do it. You know.. 7 hrs of just you and your thoughts gives you an unprecedented amount of opportunity to sort through shit going on in your head. I brought my music to listen to, but I didn’t. I needed no distractions to just think through everything going on in my head and believe me there was a FUCK ton of stuff. I turned 26. Spent it solo, but it was very much needed. When I reached the very top, surprisingly I was okay emotionally. There was also a ton of ppl as well so I wasn’t gonna have a mental breakdown in front of alot of ppl even if I felt the need to cry. I really enjoyed the view. It was definitely alot more to see then when I did Bennie in my opinion. Both we’re amazing however.

I was worried on my way back down because I think my body just kinda turned on me. My body decided to be like “hey I need to 💩 pls”. I was not having it one bit. I brought snacks and water to keep my energy up, but my body is just unpredictable in that way. Also closer towards the bottom I had to stop and breathe a bit because I think the elevation sickness just hit me HARD. I couldn’t even keep my water down so I ended up puking that up, just water, wasn’t anything else, just water. I didn’t even think that was possible honestly, so I was feeling lightheaded and dizzy because of it. Then on TOP of that, here’s the kicker.. once I managed to get down back to my car I got a bloody nose. Look at this point I was already annoyed because I needed to 💩 honestly, lets be real and that I puked up water.

In any amount though I did it. I accomplished what I told myself I was going to do. I made it to the very top to the glasshouse (which is funny because there’s no glass, maybe there used to be?) and I just needed time alone to process all these thoughts and emotions that have just been hitting me hard lately. I did it first attempt too. And I wouldn’t have traded anything else for it. When I got home, I passed the fuckkkkk out. As soon as my head hit my pillow, it’s like I died. 🤷🏼‍♂️

Up until this day, I have NEVER cried so damn much in my entire life when I did Bennie.. what I felt, there is not any amount of words that could describe that feeling..

Love is like hiking a peak.. it can be hard as hell sometimes and when you’re standing at the very bottom, it may seem impossible to achieve. Yet, when you don’t give up; you keep pushing even when you feel tired or wanting to give up and you get to the very top? That view.. speaks volume in of itself. The kind of love that’s everlasting and beautiful.

That was one of the things that I bonded with Elizabeth over. The fact, not just metaphorically, but also literally was moving mountains with her. I would’ve glady spent working two jobs for three years just to help her pay through nursing school. It wasn’t ever about competition in who could make more money, it was only ever about helping each other achieve our dreams and being there for each other when the other was down. I always had her back when she was struggling. Even when it was hard, still found a way to make it work. And it would’ve been worth every minute of it.. still would just to have that future we both, well I envisioned.. not sure if it was ever mutual really…

I literally cried all day because it was her birthday.. I only wish I could’ve spent it with her.

Out of all this… I don’t know how she really feels about everything like on a real level. All I ever wanted was to be someone she could come home to and just talk about everything that was on her mind and help her through it…

Maybe going forward from here things will get easier, no memories made to remember. Don’t get me wrong.. There will always be memories to remember. Good ones. There’s a ton.

For me tho, no women. No dating. No hookups, no fwbs, no one night stands. Not anymore. It feels good in the moment, but after I still feel the same; empty, broken, and emotional. My heart is broken..

I’m saving myself for someone that will want me. I just want to be loved. I want someone that isn’t going to give up on me when things get hard. I may be hard to love, but I have alot of love to give. Someone deserving of it…